“As Mother pushed Connie, almost two, in her stroller, the child stuck her foot out and dragged the toe of her shoe along the sidewalk. ‘No, no, Connie. The girl put her foot back onto the tray but, a few minutes later dragged again. Each time that this happened, Mother said, ‘No, no, Connie’. Finally, in a temper, Mother reached down and slapped the child's leg. ‘I said to stop that!’ she yelled. Connie keep her food in place for the rest of the stroll.
‘Harry, hurry up. You’ll be late’. Mother called her seven-year-old and continued to prepare breakfast. ‘Harry! Come on!’ she repeated a few minutes later, and again a few minutes after that. Finally, she went to this door and raised her voice. ‘Will you get out here this minute!’. Harry jumped into action and arrived at the table.
‘Stop sniffing, Scott,’ Daddy addressed his eight-year-old, who suffered from hay fever. The family was watching television, and Scott, absorbed in the story, presently sniffed again. Daddy, annoyed, again asked him to stop The sniffing continued intermittently until Daddy turned his full attention to Scott and demanded, ‘Will you get a tissue and stop that sniffing?’ Scott resentfully did as he was told.
In each of the foregoing examples, the child has provoked his parent into an irritated reaction that can be described as ‘shooing flies.’ Exasperated by disturbing behaviour, we are inclined to brush it aside with ‘don’t,’ ‘stop that,’ ‘no, no,’ ‘hurry up,’ ‘be quiet,’ and so on, as we would wave aside a bothers fly. In each of these examples, the parent finally became forceful or violent. While this is a completely ‘natural’ reaction, it is ineffective as a training method-or rather, it trains the child to believe that he does not have to mind us until we become violent! Since this is not what we really want, it behooves us to watch what we are doing when we are concerned with his behaviour. Our ‘shoo fly’ reaction is our response to the child's demand for attention. Our indiscriminate use of admonitions has little meaning to the child and is of no value to us, since we wish to do more than provide attention for such transgressions. If we wish to stop a child from doing something or to request that he comply with orders, we need to give the matter our full attention from the beginning and then stand by until the requirement has been met.
Sometimes it is a matter of taking time to train a child. Connie’s mother can stop pushing the stroller whenever the child drags her foot. No words are necessary. Connie will soon understand and keep her food in place if she wants to ride. Mother’s quiet insistence will be much more effective as a training method that her continued ‘No, no,’ and the final slap.
At other times it may be more effective to use logical consequences. Harry’s mother could explain to him that she will no longer see to it that he gets to the breakfast table on time and let him take over from there. If words, and finally force, are stopped, Harry may catch on that Mother really means what she said: it is up to him to get to breakfast on time - or go to school without it. She cannot influence Harry to change his behaviour by nagging; he merely becomes ‘mother-deaf.’
Scott does have a problem with hay fever. And it keeps his family aware of his and his problem if he sniffs. Besides, who wants to run for a tissue in the middle of an absorbing story? However, Daddy realizes that sniffing can easily become an obnoxious habit, and he doesn’t want Scott to develop it. So he shoos the fly. And Scott continues to sniff. Daddy can turn his full attention from the television to his son and get his attention with a quiet ‘Scott.’ Then just look at him. Chances are the boy will go and get a tissue. In this way, Father can establish his influence through quiet insistence. Words are not our only means of communication. Often they are the least effective. If we want to influence a change in our child’s behaviour, we need to watch our own. Is what we are doing bringing the desired result, or are we merely brushing aside an annoyance?” (p. 172-174)
Reference
Dreikurs, Rudolf. (1964). Children: The Challenge. New York, NY: Penguin Books USA Inc.