Human beings experience many emotions - anger, sadness, joy, guilt, shame, etc. - that is the nature of being human. We are responsible for our own emotions, and we also choose the interpretation and response to our emotions. “You can choose how you want to feel - that how you feel is up to you. You have the power to choose emotions that will enrich our life and to make yourself happier. Emotions involve senses (sight, hearing, etc.), perceptions, personal history, beliefs, thoughts, physical sensations, and purpose (what are you trying to achieve with the emotions).” [page 3]
The authors indicate ways to become more aware of your emotions: (1) asking your partner, family or a close friend if they have noticed anything about your mood, (2) paying attention to your own body, and (3) observing your actions which could be potential signs of unidentifiable emotions. They also identified the following five principles for choosing emotions: “(1) Accept your feelings and yourself, (2) Live in the present - get past your past, (3) Recognize the purpose of your unpleasant emotions, (4) Become aware of your thoughts, (5) Develop a plan for change.” [page 12]
Our thoughts can become our beliefs and develop our emotions. “What you believe about yourself and your experiences creates your feelings (page 24)”. Have you ever heard of ‘irrational beliefs’ or ‘unhelpful thinking patterns’ or ‘cognitive distortions’? Well, they affect our mood and personal life. “People develop beliefs bases on their interpretations of their experiences early childhood. Human beings have a tendency to form personal meanings which are often distortions of what actually exists. People have limited experiences as young children and take their interpretations as absolute truth. Suppose your parents had very high standards. Your response to these standards may have been to try to be perfect. Now you could conclude that you believe you have to be perfect because your parents had high standards — therefore your parents “caused” your perfectionism (page 28)”.
People can choose and change their emotions, but they have to choose new and different thoughts. Make the decision to purposely change how you think. You can (1) challenge your unhelpful thoughts by asking yourself questions such as is this thought realistic, what evidence do I have for this thought, what are the consequence of believing this thought, and (2) shifting your perspective by focusing on the positive rather than the negative which will help to reframe your thinking.
McKay and Dinkmeyer developed a method with three steps that helps people to recall the steps required to choose new emotions — “ACE formula”.
“A — Accept yourself and your feelings. As you’ve learned, change involves first accepting yourself with ally feelings, realizing that you’re an imperfect human being. Learn to rate only your behaviour, not your personal worth. If you don’t accept yourself you can’t accept your feelings, and if you don’t accept your feelings, you can’t change them. Change requires acceptance — it sounds paradoxical, but it’s simply a fact of life.
C — Choose new purposes, beliefs and feelings. Emotions serve a purpose. Learn to recognize what you’re trying to achieve by a certain feeling. Decide if achieving that purpose will benefit you in the long run. Are you willing to live with the consequences? Remember, your beliefs create your feelings. What are some other ways I can look at this experience?
E — Execute your new choices. Change requires action. It’s not enough to simply think about how things can be different — you must make them different thorough action. Act on your new purposes, beliefs and feelings.” (Page 46)
People are responsible for their feelings and thoughts. Change from negative to positive thinking and choose emotions that make you happy and enhance your life.
Reference
McKay, G. And Dinkmeyer, D. (1994). How you feel is up to you. Impact Publishers, San Luis Obispo, CA.